Up at 5 am and, looking in the bathroom mirror as I yawn and stretch my arms from sleep, I can’t help but smile. It may just be in my head because, being weighed on a daily basis, I know I haven’t put on a whole lot, but I think my face looks ever so slightly different. For once the drawn out hollow-cheeked thing I have dubbed “the horse face” isn’t staring back at me. The difference is subtle and it may be that I am the only one who notices it, but it feels good. It reminds me that the girl I thought I lost, the one that was replaced by this person that I don’t ever want to think of as me, is still in here somewhere.

The reflection in the mirror that has been gazing back at me with its hollow, purple-rimmed, sleep deprived eyes has been a constant presence for about 4 years now. Whether this sickly zombie version of me has been fully emerged or lurking just below the surface she has made her presence known for a long time. I talk about her as separate from me in hopes that its true. She isn’t the me that I know, the me that has the potential to be happy, the me that actually knows how to smile. Yet she has been there, in and out of vision, slowly inserting her bony cheeks and wan pallor into my life.

She may never be totally gone because, if nothing else, she will exist in memory. That type of presence I can deal with though. I know that I won’t ever be able to forget her once she is completely out of the reflective eyes that stare back at me but at least she will be where she needs to stay…and I will be where I need to stay.

Would now be a good time to sing the praises of zucchini bread? The slice that graced my breakfast plate this morning practically came with its own glowing aura. Somehow, though, I didn’t feel bad about eating it, in all it’s glory, at all. The only thing I can say is that it was calling to me and I took full advantage of its sweet song. Heck no, I don’t feel guilty!