Oh happy day

Today was officially “Sneak some zucchini onto your neighbor’s porch day”, or at least it is according to the obscure holidays website we found while surfing the interweb a few weeks ago. I just finished writing that fact on the dry erase board in the dining room after first taking off yesterday’s declaration of “National Mustard Day”.

I’m harboring a strangely funky positive attitude and definitely not complaining about it. Maybe its because its nice to have everyone here again, as opposed to yesterday when I was basically alone all day while everyone else went to the Cloisters museum…stupid RTU.  Maybe its because I have had such a driving success with my little foray into the world of liquid acrylics. I seriously can’t get enough of them. I think they will be my favorite medium for a while. Maybe though its the prospect of being off of RTU tomorrow and starting the day off with the first menu I got to plan myself.

Who knows. I’m not going to question this good feeling though…

I’m just going to live it!

A scheduled shift

I’ve got some weird anxiety going on right now about breakfast tomorrow morning. It started out that I thought I was worried about the Sunday push-back of meals because I didn’t want to be hungry in the morning and have to wait even longer to eat. The more I think about it though the more it seems like it has to do with the schedule and what I am used to.

On Sundays, to accommodate those who opt to attend a morning service that held in the building, breakfast is maneuvered from 8 am to 9. Waking up so early, naturally being hungriest in the mornings and the routine of getting meals at the same time every day causes this little fluctuation to not sit very well with me. I’m not, by any means, annoyed or angry about any of this. I know that the situation and the schedule blip are somehow making me anxious but mostly I’m curious about why it is exactly that I’m getting this anxiety.

Finding a routine to structure each day by was not something I set out to do. Yet i have lived by one set schedule or another of my own making for years and years. I know, too, that a good portion of this eating disorder has to do with following a schedule, self-discipline, and being strict with certain things. Ever since falling down the rabbit hole of anorexia my food and meal times have been what everything else gets scheduled around. Everything is laid out perfectly here too, meals and groups at the same times every day of the week. Even a large dry erase board in the hallway with it all laid out for us to navigate. Then along comes Sunday and its extra hour.

I know in my rational mind that everything will turn out just fine. I’m not even sure what I am worried about. Its only one hour. The day will seem like any other out of the week once breakfast is over since the rest of the schedule is spaced out between the other meals like normal.

As I lay in bed, letting sleep seep slowly in, I ponder these things. Something inside me has the drive to really understand the reasoning behind my own emotions. I don’t know if this sort of self analization is the right thing to be doing or not and I guess it couldn’t really hurt anything but, regardless, I will be bringing up these new ponderings with Annie, my therapist, the next time we meet.