I was reminded of surrender today. Its what I’m doing here and I’m glad I was reminded of it. I needed to be. Lately I have been more frequently going back and forth from my normal positivity of the situation to questioning it periodically, and thats not something I want to get caught up in. Not now. Not yet. Its too early to anything except go with the flow. Heather was neither talking to me or about me when the subject of surrender in regards to the program arose. I just happened to overhear a few words and somehow something clicked for me. I have to reconfirm the trust that I handed over to the team when I showed up those two months ago. It was never a question for me to trust my health to them. It was just something I knew that, with stepping through those doors, I would be doing.

There isn’t just surrender within these walls though. The other option that some take is compliance and there is a huge difference between that and the act of surrendering. To surrender is to claim that things just are the way they are. It involves a faith in the system; whatever that system may be to any one person. Compliance is begrudging. It implies a following of rules in action but not so much within the mind. To only just comply with the program doesn’t make for a very positive chance at continued recovery once you leave. To comply is to retain a sense of rebellion and not too many people get through something like this while trying to fight the system thats structured to save them.

There is a well-written research essay by a man named Harry Tiebout called “Surrender Versus Compliance in Therapy“. In it he states that: “In compliance, and individual accepts reality consciously but not unconsciously. He accepts as a practical fact that he can not at that moment conquer reality, but lurking in his unconscious is the feeling, ‘there’ll come a day’, which implies no real acceptance and demonstrates conclusively that the struggle is still going on. On the other hand, the ability to accept reality functions on the unconscious level, and relaxation ensues with freedom from strain and conflict.” The level of acceptance that leads to surrender in situations like this, I believe, is truly within the human capacity. Its just a matter of finding the building blocks that lead to it.

I completely understand that surrender is not an easy step to take and I definitely had both my years of complete rebellion and of mere compliance before I got there. Sure I was agreeing, going along with the program, but in no way did I have any sort of enthusiastic or whole-hearted approval. I still wanted very much to do it myself. I did want recovery but only on my own terms. I can see too, with some of the other girls here, that there is a willingness to go along for the time being but their inner reservations make that willingness thin and fragile. It won’t be until that compliance crumbles, until they have hit some sort of a bottom, so to speak, that the room for surrender even becomes available to them. As long as any part of compliance is in action there is no space for surrender.

This recovery program is varies greatly from the one I was in 2 years ago but, despite the multitude of differences in structure, one of the main differences is within me. My attitude and openness of accepting all that they are trying to do for me has brought about the surrender that is getting me through the tough times like these. I know it all sounds very spiritual and I’m not a spiritual person, but I have to put my life into the hands of someone else because trying to work things out myself is what got me to Columbia in the first place.

I need to be right here right now.