Raw

A new darkness slips behind my eyes into the void of fog that has planted itself in my head. It settles, steady, rising and falling in breath and waiting. Just waiting. I breathe harder before choking. Its caught in my throat. It sits there keeping me, holding me in the moment, refusing to let me carry on with the life that will only let this moment pass through a continued rhythm.

There is an intensity that I am supposed to be feeling and I wont be released until I accept that fact. The fragile fix-it job that so tenderly held what was left of my innocence together has crumbled through the actions of my own hand and now I am forced to live with it.

There is no end to this. Not this one. Not this time.

As things change so do I and the darkness    releases an unexpected calm that I don’t know what to do with. The scream thats building up inside me, the part that needs so badly to be crumbled, just can’t find a footing for launch.

I think I might be taking my life back.

Emotions can be stronger than words and not always easily expressed. They don’t always make sense and they sometimes can’t be identified. They can save us as we lose ourselves in them and they can cause irreplaceable emptiness at the same time as they fill us with light. At the same time as they fill us with life. They are the essence that makes up the give and take of being alive and we ALL have them.

It can be tempting, even easy, to try and box them up but the gilded ribbon tying that box shut will eventually rot. They have to be dealt with sooner or later. To be here is almost like an awakening. Sometimes I am so flooded with the rising tied of emotions that it can feel like a physical drowning. To go though this is at the same time overwhelmingly consuming and energy reaping.

It takes guts to keep this kind of work up and I commend each and every girl here for taking on the trial of a lifetime. When we work we work do it with everything we have and we entirely deserve the outcome.