Walking alone, half a lap ahead of my peers, I watch the quiet surroundings of the fresh air park rotate in their slow carousel around me. I’m in a more contemplative mood although part of what I’m to work out in my head is whether or not I should be talking to my friends instead of thinking about things that have the potential to bring my mood down. Its just that between last night and so far today there has been enough drama around here to suffocate any amount of good intentions. I’m trying to not let it get to me. I’m trying to stay positive but its hard.

People that have been here longer than me are starting to have problems stemming from the prospect of going home. Some are having extreme family issues that peak into screaming matches both over the phone and in person when people come to visit. Some of the newer people are just having problems with the meals in general and there have been a lot of tears shed at the table recently. Some are also having food issues due to being scared of going above the goal weight that they have already met while here. Reaching “maintainance weight” and still trying to restrict your eating, still accepting that you can more or less eat whatever you want is harder than can be represented in words. I can admit, too, that seeing my peers, my friends, have their own questions and doubts does scare me. I have to admit it because, if denied, it has the potential to sneak up and just floor me.

I care about these people because I see at least some aspect of myself in each and every one of them. Its difficult to just stand by and know that I can’t really help them with their issues. I want to. Badly. Its in my nature. If I choose to do that though I know it would jeopardize my own recovery. I just can’t go back there in any part of my head right now without the potential of losing what I have worked so hard for. Some encouraging words and just letting them know that I understand is about as far as I can safely go. I have been both stunned by my positivity and in love with it in such a way that I’m terrified of losing it.

This is why I hang back. They walk and I hang back just absorbing my surroundings, absorbing my thoughts. There will be a right way to do this. This is just one in a line of speed bumps that will unfailingly be along my road to recovery. I hate to get so cliché with the terminology but is just what best describes it in this case. It is a road we are each traveling, a journey we are each individually on. And, in the end, it is each of us who decides just how big the obstacles along the way will be.