Okay. I am officially frustrated with my weights. Not because they are going up but because, despite my best efforts, the gaining process has slowed to the speed of one of those living statues that are seen all over Europe. You know, those people whose movements are so fractionally minute that you can’t tell they have done anything at all unless you leave and don’t come back for a few hours. That is what my metabolism is doing to me at this point. Still, each meal, every single time, I’m eating 100%. Beyond that I have not only drank my 2 daily Ensures but I have also taken the one additional PRN Ensure for the last 5 days. Its almost like the more I give my body the more it uses.

I know that for many anorexics those last 5-10 pounds needed to reach a healthy weight can be the hardest to put on. I have heard that many times, and part of me is very glad to see my body complying to the laws of reality, but I’m so close. My next goal is reaching my 85% and, right now, I am 3/4 of a pound away. At 85% I will be able to go out with Sally’s lunch group on Wednesdays and do shopping for cooking group along with various other things. I think most on my mind though, what I’m most anticipating, is the upcoming level change that 85% brings.

Level 4b, the ‘b’ standing for ‘building’, is the next step. Its not much really. All it means is that I will get to go out and walk around without a staff members accompaniment so long as I stay inside the institution. There are a couple of things this allows, such as being able to visit the fresh air park when I want, the invitation to explore the building’s multiple floors, and the freedom to hang out in the cafe with its beautiful view of the Hudson. Its hard to find alone time on the unit these days and I think that, too, just being able to get away for a few minutes will make a big difference. With so many new patients, their emotions running amok, still trying to get settled in, its pretty hectic around here lately.

Originally I had wanted to reach my 90% by now but I can see that thats going to take longer than I expected. I would have thought, if someone had asked when I first got here, that I would have been more adverse to the gain as I watched the scale rise. Its a daily surprise each morning when I find that I’m actually relatively comfortable with my body and am actively trying to gain more. I don’t want to say its easy because its not. At all. It takes more work than is explainable to someone who hasn’t actually gone through the recovery process themselves.

The reason I had wanted to be at my 90% by now is because all the patients that I have known since I got here are now getting ready to leave. Elle, Benji, Laura, all 3 are going home within the next 2 weeks and I’ll be the patient who has been here the longest. I wanted the level 4a change that came with my 90% so I could start going out on passes with my friends, even just a few, before they left. Well, things are what they are. As much as I may feel somewhat stagnant at this point in the program I know my body is smart. It will get there when it needs to.

It will be good to go on passes when I am able. I know that thats the next thing I am going to need to practice with – picking my own meals out of a lot more diversity and not being held so accountable for my actions. I know its going to be though, too, and I want as much time as possible before going home. I think I’ll just chalk up this whole snail’s pace of progress as a practice in patience. Yeah, theres meaning behind everything.