100% backfire (part II)

The general consensus the group had of the NBC tour itself was that it didn’t lack in room for improvement. At only an hour and 15 minutes in total length it seemed on one hand to be rushed but on the other hand lacking in anything beyond mildly interesting. When we walked into the bottom floor of the skyscraper for our time slotted tour the room we entered would turn out to be the most colorful and eye-catching that we would see that day. It was the over-priced gift shop. After passing through without hesitation we climbed a short spiral staircase whose bordering wall was checkerboarded with screens airing Saturday Night Live skits. Even with no sound the image of Will Farrell in a blond bob wig proved somehow to be just as humorous as it played in view no matter which way you turned your head.

After that we got in line. It was a tight cramped line that seemed to get hotter under the low ceiling lamps by the minute as we waited for just about a half hour. In the meantime we were given clear plastic pass-pockets that went around our necks and held our tour tickets. On one side of the skinny hallway was a wall of glossy photos framed and sporting different celebrities and their signatures, most of whom I didn’t recognize. On the opposite wall glass cases flaunted just a small portion of the NBC memorabilia that was positioned throughout the building.

Eventually the tour got underway and we were led into a small theater for a viewing of “NBC Studios – A Brief History” that lasted about 20 minutes. Subsequently we were subjected to the bizarrely spastic greetings from the two studio interns leading the tour. after embarking on our journey into the depths of the building the 25 of us were piled in and out of the elevators as we saw an empty news studio, the studio that was home to Jimmy Kimmell’s late night show, and a collapsible studio for on of NBC’s sports shows. All of these were fairly dark and none were in use at the time of our appearance so it was described to us what might have been playing on the many TV screens had people actually been at work.

The rest of the time was spent wandering around and looking at various NBC artifacts and memorabilia. There was the varying progression of the peacock logo, a video demo of the SNL make-up team hard at work, and a mock news and weather report involving volunteers from our group. Then, all of a sudden, the tour was over and we were being asked for our plastic necklaces back. The getting off the unit part of it had been fun but, with my disintegrating mood and the lackluster activity, I found myself wishing I had stayed back that day. NBC was an experience and thats really all I can say about that.

We wound up leaving the studio about an hour ahead of schedule. Four of our group split from us to head off around the city for wherever their various dinner passes were to take them and the rest of us meandered our way back to the subway station. With some time to kill Talia spontaneously took us into a Starbucks along the way to get drinks and relax a little. I stood next to her in line, wallowing in the still undiluted emotions of earlier, when I suddenly had an idea. Turning to Talia I told her that I had been completely beating myself up for the issue with the sandwich. We talked for a minute about how proud I had been of myself for constantly doing 100%. She said she had been too and I ultimately wound up posing a question.

I asked Talia if there was any way I could make up for the uneaten peanut butter and jelly. To my surprise, and extreme thankfulness, she said “yes”. After some deliberation I wound up with a hummus snack plate involving a pita, hummus dip, chicken, and some miscellaneous veggies. Almost as though trying to do it before Talia changed her mind I gobbled up the over-priced mini meal. Talia and the others finished their coffees and sodas and we left to catch the train.

I know talking to Talia and coming up with an alternate plan was the right thing to do. Almost instantly after taking the last bite of pita I felt 10 times better. It was like i was allowed to feel pride in myself again. I felt, in a way, redeemed. Looking back on the whole thing now I can clearly see the challenge in it and am happy with how I handled the situation in the end. I’m not looking forward to more issues like that one but, at least, now I feel more confident in knowing what I will need to do.

100% backfire

There was jelly, peanut butter, humus, and chicken, 2 slices of wheat bread, a pita pocket, sun chips, melon, 2 juices, and 4 chocolate chip cookies. All of this was what my haphazard conglomeration of a lunch consisted of as it spanned the course of the afternoon. It had not been planned that way by any means. The make-up of the chaotic mess was fueled by circumstance and unforseen events but proved, in the end, to just reinforce my idea that everything happens for a reason. Now that I am back, safe and comfortable, at my pseudo “home”, I can safely look back on the whole event and consider it a challenge rather than a setback. I will explain…

Today was the day of the NBC studio tour. We set off for the subway at 11:30 and rode the express train to Rockefeller Center. This time our group consisted of eight patients and two staff members. The one with the plan, the directions, the agenda and the hook-up at NBC was Talia and, when we deboarded the train she led us through the acclaimed plaza.

We had our bag lunches with us and the idea had been that we would find a food court or a lobby with some tables to eat at before we had to be at NBC at 1 pm. The only problem was that there weren’t any areas to sit in that didn’t belong to specific restaurants. The train had dropped us off at the time we should have been starting lunch and, by the time we realized we were wandering in circles and actually found a place to settle down, we only had about 15 minutes to eat. Rockefeller Center is a pretty clean place, for being in the middle of the city, and I would have happily made myself comfortable for lunch sitting on the stone mosaic off to the side.

One of my big issues, along with keeping a schedule, is not having to stuff my face because I’m trying to eat in a hurry. Each lunch bag contained the PB & J sandwich, a bowl of cut melon, the 4 cookies, 2 juices, and bag of sun chips. Its quite a bit to eat in the time we were left with and, for the first time since my arrival at Columbia, I went into the meal with an obstinately bad mood. My anxiety was already heightened by starting the meal late and the confusion about where to eat only added to that. I live by a schedule which is part of how the eating disorder took hold in the first place. Now, I know I am going to have to challenge that rigidness and need for construction, but I just wasn’t ready for what today’s winds blew my way.

I wound up eating sulkily, quietly stewing in my anxiety-ridden annoyance, until Talia declared it time to go. I just left what I didn’t get to in the bag. Talia said I could finish as we walked but my frustration and anger with the situation superseded rationality as I handed her the lunch bag with a firm “no”. As soon as we started making our way to the studio my anger flipped, though, and directed itself at me and my own actions. For the very first time I had not done 100% eating my meal. That status I was so proud of had been broken in just a few minutes time and for that I was furious. The entire time on the rather short NBC tour was spent beneath a fog of failure. I knew I could have done better if I had only tried harder and my mind seemed to not want to let my heart live that fact down.

(I swear this has a happy ending…to be continued…)