REM

Oh the tricks our minds can play on us in dreamland…They do seem so real sometimes. Last night my subconscious played a haunting game over my field of sleepy vision as I snoozed beneath the white linen sheets. In the dream I was here, at Columbia, in New York as I am now. It started with me arriving and working out last-minute details of my stay as I got settled in. It played by the reality that I now feel in my waking hours and tried to pass itself off as a generally good dream. Quickly though it turned on me as my fears about this situation became apparent.

In the dream, after only a few weeks stay, I had to leave Columbia and go back home. I was terrified. There was no reason why I had to cut treatment short, I was just told that I had to go. Thats when it turned into a nightmare. Knowing I hadn’t been there long enough and terrified of just falling back into my old habits I headed home.

I’m not going to go into detail, because its evident what happened as a result of me leaving treatment early in the dream, but what does it mean? I can only assume that it’s a good thing that even my subconscious is scared to leave treatment. I hope that means my chances of continuing in recovery are that much better when I return home. It’s a tricky road to maneuver with lots of potholes. Here I am in an all new environment – new people, new schedule, new meal plan, everything. It causes how I eat and view food to stubbornly fall in with the agenda. It makes it easier to accept.

I’m not saying that once I am back in the environment that I know and love, the place I enjoy calling “home”, all my old habits will assuredly come back. I just know that there is, in fact, a very real possibility and recognizing that I am scared of it will allow me to figure out a defense. If I am better armed against the potential enemy rather than allowing my new-found joy of life leave me open for a sneak attack then that’s all the better. I will be prepared.

Ways and means

As we stroll slowly out on the lawn during one of our fresh air breaks Laura and I fall into a discussion on power and control in relation to eating disorders. nearby Elle and Benji play a fumbling game of catch with one of the many nerf balls that were brought in for stress coping. It is just after dinner and the sun beats across us at an angle as it slowly sinks in the summer sky.

Laura is my age and holds the wisdom of experience. This being her 6th treatment center she has seen these days, this routine, before. Yet, with so much inpatient time under her belt, her insight and optimism still flow freely. Not in an overabundant or fake way, from what I can tell she wears no mask, but with the genuine hopefulness that this time, maybe, she will go home and things will be different. maybe this time she will go home having gained more than temporary weight – herself. I ask her what she thinks is different about this time and place as opposed to the others and her answer brings up the ongoing insurance company dilemma.

So much of eating disorder recovery goes far beyond putting on a few extra pounds. There are psychological and emotional issues that need to be worked through. There is a sense and reason a person needs to have in order to abuse their own bodies in such a way and, as doctors have found through ongoing research programs, the deeper issues can’t really be successfully addressed until the end of the weight restoration process. There is a certain amount of brain function that is altered with malnutrition so attempting to work through any anxiety, depression, or control issues that landed us here is pretty futile.

However, most insurance companies don’t see that aspect of recovery. Most insurance companies either don’t cover treatment at all for eating disorders or they wind up pulling coverage and deeming a person healthy just as soon as they are within 5 or so pounds of the lowest healthy weight for their body size. Therefore the roots of the problem never see daylight and the odds of relapse are exponentially higher.

Laura explains, as we amble around the lawn, that this has been her story with every other treatment center she has seen. There was never any follow-up. The reason things will be different this time is that weight gain is only the first half of the regemine. This particular program is free to us in exchange for our cooperation. We get the help we need and, in return, we help them with ongoing research to aid the improvement of eating disorder recovery plans. To be the most beneficial to the research we have to be within 10% of our ideal calculated body weights before we dive in. This time will be different for Laura because here she wont be kicked out by her insurance company before getting to the real meat of the situation.