When the head aches…

For two days now I have been plagued by a sinus headache that just wont seem to let go no matter how much Sudafed or Tylenol I take. My head throbs every time I turn my neck or move too fast. Periodically there is some relief as it unclenches its grip on my brain, but it never seems to fully go away, as I find more and more tired and less able to concentrate. I never used to have sinus problems but they started off mildly about 4 or 5 years ago and progressively get worse with the onset of each year’s spring and the subsequent fall. If they continue to escalate in the way I will have to find some other battle tactic or weaponry to fight them with. I don’t mean to sound like I’m griping, they just make it so hard to focus beyond the pressure.

Ok, thats enough of that. As far as other things go we finally have a new person on the unit. If I really want to get technical about it we have got 2 new people…except one isn’t really ours. I’ll start with Molly. Molly is the actual eating disorder patient. Her thick shoulder-length red hair frames her narrow face that ends with an angular chin. Arriving here already at her 75% she isn’t given the gradual caloric additions but instead is right away started at the 3,000 calorie level. I don’t know very much about her yet because, with her arrival yesterday, she has not been so much untalkative but shes quiet in a friendly sort of way. Its as though shes poised to answer a question about herself happily but doesn’t readily provide info without that prodding. I know that shes 20, grew up just outside Boston, and now lives in Ney York, but thats really it at the moment though. I have the hunch though that she’ll be a pretty ok addition to our little bunch of bananas.

The other new entity is Jose. He is Benji’s new roommate. Jose walks around more or less like the ghost of Bigfoot. He lumbers awkwardly through the halls, during the rare times he is not sleeping, buried in sweatpants and a large hoodie. His long black hair hides his face most of the time and everyone’s first guess to his heritage is American Indian but we later learn, in his somewhat broken english, that he is from Mexico. The staff won’t tell us what he is here for although its made clear that his issue has got nothing to do with eating disorders. I suspect its detox of a sort but I don’t know from what substance or for sure thats even what it is. He seems friendly enough and my money is on the bet that if we asked him to clarify he would. However this would require him to be awake long enough to ask. Basically, the reason for all of this is that Jose belongs on a different unit within the hospital and is just here until one of their beds opens up. He doesn’t have the same protocol as us and therefore doesn’t attend our groups or eat meals with us but his strong patchouli scent lingers through our halls long after he has retreated back to his room.

My sinuses now have a fog of medication to wallow in as the Tylenol takes the pain down from the top shelf into a manageable arena. Its still there, just dulled, and, just like anything else, I’ll have to wait and see what the rest of the evening brings.

The big day

Biding time. Biding time. Awake at 3 am again from the pain of rolling over in the not-so-soft bed as my jutting bones make me feel much like a low-sitting table when I am laying down. Thats the only way to explain the sensation of not quite being flush with the mattress no matter what position I’m in. I am held up, hovering it seems, by my hips and elbows.

As I flipped on the light and threw the thin sheets the bruising on the outsides of both my knees and thighs glare in many purple dime-sized spots back at me. It would seems that I may have been a bit more bested in my battle with my two heavy bags than I originally thought as I ambled my way from train to Inst to hotel yesterday. At least my arms aren’t as sore as I had imagined they would be.

The community bathroom was thankfully empty so I showered, not quite sure when I would next get the chance. Curiouser and curiuoser I am wondering what the upcoming day will bring as the lukewarm water runs comfortingly down my spine. Is it a sign of situational direness that the foremost question in my mind has to do with what they will be serving for lunch? Out of all possibilities the coming day may hold this is what keeps creeping into my thoughts. It will be the first meal I will be partaking in at the Inst and I have been told that, at least for the first few weeks, options in my menu will not exist. I tried to ask what I am supposed to do if I am faced with something I just plain don’t like but the answer comes in the form of imminent repercussions if 100% my every meal on the plan is not consumed. All I can say is that hopefully they don’t serve things like cottage cheese, melon, or egg salad very often. I may be a picky eater but there isn’t too much that truly makes me gag so my best bet sounds like it will be to close my eyes and choke it down. I understand that it is all about exposure to variety and that so many of us int this state of starvation don’t know anymore what foods we actually like and dislike. So many foods fall out of our daily consumption routines for superfluous backwards reasons that, without even being aware of it, our taste buds take a backseat when it comes to ingestion.

I am determined though. That will be my first vow: I promise to at LEAST try everything that is placed in front of me. I won’t have to eat things i don’t like forever and a few weeks, until I can start choosing thing on my menu, won’t kill me. In fact the opposite – What I do in the next few weeks will be the first steps in saving my life.

Its 6:30 and there is a Starbucks down the street that seems to be calling my name. Time to break the bay and brave the crosswalks as the morning traffic thickens.