The Cloisters

Holy hand-stitched intricacy!

The hard seat is chilly beneath me, its orange plastic not yet warmed by previous human bodies on this commuter-sparse Sunday morning. We are on the A train, Nurse Greta, Diane, Molly, and myself riding just a few stops to avoid the uphill trek to the Cloisters Museum and Gardens. We get off almost as soon as we sit down and exit the station into a world that could be countries away from the Manhattan I have come to know in these last few weeks. The stone stairs, as we emerge from the city’s underground, unfold and climb through more foliage than I have yet seen in New York.

We pop out into the daylight of Fort Tryon Park. It is astounding. The multi-level layout with its granite walkways, walls, tunnels, occasional short sets of stairs. It provides a beautiful view of the Hudson from almost all of the different paths and trails and apparently we are not alone in thinking its weather-perfect day to be out here. If it wasn’t for Greta there is a good chance I would have done my time in the city without ever knowing that any of this existed.

The paths through Tryon Park weave gracefully along as we pass people with dogs, babies in strollers, yoga on the lawn, and a weekend game of ultimate frisbee before opening up to the base of the museum. A cloister itself is an integral part of a monastery. The name was given to a square or open-air courtyard surrounded by covered passageways. It was basically a sheltered, sunny place where the monks or nuns living there could enjoy nature without leaving the confines of their home and place of worship. The Cloisters Museum contains 4 different cloister gardens, each with its own theme, time period reference, and sculpted fountain designating the center. They are placed throughout the two floors of the structure. Medieval art of all different times and origins, collected in bits and pieces all over the world, grace the rooms and hallways throughout. As a branch of the Metropolitan Museum of Art it has been open to the public since 1938 and teems with architectural fragments of antiquital beauty incorporated into the fabric of the building itself. As we wander through, our allotted 50 minutesof touring time flying by almost unnoticed, I am nothing less than bombarded with jaw-dropping works of art. Here there is everything from ceramics, metalworks, stone carvings, wood sculpture, stained glass, immense hand-woven tapestries, and much much more.

Going in I know instantly why Greta has said several times that she wishes we didn’t have to be back so soon. Its not a huge museum but, with such a magnificent and well-kept collection, it deserves more of our attention than we can give it today. Sooner than I would have thought possible its time to scuttle outside and catch the bus back home…

But I’ll be back. I can guarantee that.

The Trust

Dusk is slowly rolling in and the couple of floodlights meant to illuminate the fresh air park have flickered on. We walk and chat, Benji, Laura, and I, the only ones with the ability and desire to go outside at this point, as our 8 pm snack digest. This time there is focus on the conversation. Its turned to an attempted tackling of the trust issue, specifically in regards to dietitians.

“Look, its not possible for Sally to know the exact calorie count of every food item in New York City. I think thats the point shes trying to make though, that its just not as important as we want to believe it is.” I feel like I am skirting the edges of this conversation because I really don’t want my mind to delve too much into the realm of calorie analization. Its just one of those places that I don’t feel safe letting my thoughts go to yet.

“I don’t know.” Laura states as she ambles along to my left. “Its just something I would like to be able to count on. If we are expected to make our own meals in regards to a specific calorie count then I feel like I should know so that I can do it right.”

“Are you sure thats not your eating disorder talking?” Benji, on my right, having remained thoughtfully silent, now pipes up. “We all know all too well that the eating disorder is about control and rigidity.”

“I don’t know.” Laura says again, her previous conviction wavering. “Maybe I should get a dietician for when I leave here.”

“If you do that,” says Benji, “you will have to choose to believe what they are telling you. If you are just going to question everything he or she says then there wouldn’t be a point in paying the money for sessions with one.”

“Right now I just want to be able to trust Sally and I’m not sure if I do.” Laura sighs with frustration, not at us or at the conversation, but at the delicate situation. “Once there is that ounce of doubt I can’t help my mind from just questioning everything.”

I watch the ground move beneath our feet as I try and choose my words carefully. “I think one of the main things that is the job of a dietician, when treating a person in eating disorder recovery, is to portray that it really doesn’t have to be exact. We have such a need for strict planning when it comes to our meals, and there is the idea that keeping with that but in a different way will help us to get healthy, but when it comes down to it we really don’t need all that rigidity. It doesn’t matter if its aimed at the goal of health or not. That rigidness is still part of the eating disorders control. What we need to learn and apply is intuitive eating. Our bodies know whats best for them and, if we learn to listen to what they are telling us instead of the ED, then we know we can trust them. I think its somewhat of a dietician’s job to ultimately help us to identify and really use our filters between the disorder and what our bodies are really telling us.”

Laura seems a little more at ease but its visible that her mind is still hard at work. “I mean, yeah, I know that our bodies are smart about what they need and all. I don’t know. I just want to know that I’m doing the right thing, and if Sally says something is 220 calories when its really 300 how can I trust that I am getting the calorie count I am supposed to?”

“I think thats what shes saying though,” Benji added into the mix, “Its that over all that 60, 80, 100 or even 200 calories shouldn’t matter in the long run. At the end of the day variations just don’t make a difference if you keep your generalized calorie count in mind.”

“I get the feeling that dietitians just don’t outwardly stress how much discrepancies of that nature don’t matter because, as eating disorder patients, most of us can’t deal with that lack of control over what they eat. I think thats why they add on specifics like 200 extra calories now, an extra 300 next week, an extra protein bar for a daily snack, etc.” I said, as i watched Gina rise from her bench and signal that it was time to head inside.

“I know you guys are right,” said Laura, rounding the last corner before the door. “Its all just so much easier said than done.” With that Benji and I nodded in agreement as he held the door and we filed inside.