United diversity

The conversation with Benji and Cora had gotten me thinking. There is so much about this illness that so many people don’t understand, and the stigmas surrounding it don’t help in the least. Even I, before all of this, upon hearing the word anorexia would automatically jump to the image of popular highschool cheerleader just trying to get the guy. I have since learned that that ingrained mental picture is terribly wrong, but still the education of the public on the true nature of eating disorders remains at a minimum. There is so much more to it than the flimsy stereotypes and it took actually realizing that I was anorexic myself to actually understand that. Laura, who has been living with this for more than 10 years, frequently states that she wouldn’t wish and eating disorder on her worst enemy.

Diane is a good example of the diversity surrounding this. She is the new patient. Since her arrival yesterday she has done little more than sit with her head resting in her thin arms and her small frame bundled in multiple sweatshirts. Exhausted doesn’t even begin to describe how tired she looks, but it’s not a sleepy sort of tired. Diane is the perfect picture of being stretched too thin, taking on way too much in life. She looks so delicate – as though poking her with even just the tip of a finger would cause her bones to just separate and fall to the ground with a breath of dust that radiated relief.

At the age of 47 Diane is officially the oldest among us. We learn that she has 6 children ranging in age from 21 down to 8 and, looking at the differences between us, I almost can’t believe we have sons the same age. Topping off raising 6 kids she has spent her life going to school for nursing and working full-time as well as avid volunteer work in various areas. She is slightly shorter than my own 5’4″ stature and her husband’s shadow completely engulfed her when he accompanied her at check-in. With her gaze trained to the tiled floor her short blond highlighted hair falls forward hiding her face. Beneath her sweats and slippers she nervously fingers a string of pearls that hangs from her swan-like neck.

Tonight was the fifth meal since her arrival that she has joined us at the table for but she does little more than just that. The previous meals she at least ate a little, although it was a visible struggle for her, she would get about half down each time. Tonight though dinner was apparently out of the question. With her frail hand at her forehead to shade her eyes she didn’t raise her gaze or eat a single bite.

I had thought that having someone near my size come in and not eat would hinder my own progress because thats what happened at Remuda. Others not eating was a huge trigger for my own eating disorder tendencies to jump in. This time, though, it was different. The only thing that Diane not eating made me feel was a boost of determination. The conscious refrain of “I don’t want to end up like that” silently urged me on as I finished one of the biggest meals I have been faced to here to date.

Part of me was mad at her for not taking advantage of her situation here but maybe shes just still adjusting. Everyone comes in here with a different attitude towards recovery and there is plenty of potential for things to get better for her. We’ll just have to see how she does. Its all about time.

The common grace

Its official – I am no longer “the new girl”. We hadn’t been graced with anyone a few days ago when the speculation started but, yesterday, the prophecy was fulfilled. Amy arrived flanked on either side by her forlorned but determined-looking parents and trailed by a sister close in age who appeared to be on the verge of tears the entire time they were here.

At 17 Amy is not only the newest but the youngest as well. Although understandable timid for being in a new place such as this her hesitance seems to melt away as, by dinner, its apparent that she will fit right in.

Over a meal of chicken, baked potato and veggies as the main plate, among our individual additions we learn that her ease into this environment is because, to Amy, it’s not new. having been transferred from a different inpatient program at a children’s hospital in another part of New York she tells us of her dreams to become a doctor and about the substantial amount of high school she has already missed due to this illness. She’ll be entering her senior year in a few months and, this one, she’d like to be there for a majority of.

Her large doe-like eyes blink behind a pair of glasses that suit her so well she might look incomplete without them. There is an ever so slight change in the wind with her presence here. Language is censored just a bit more, shows that may offend, like “Sex In The City” which she has already confessed as being “too much”, are watched in the more secluded back TV room. We are not trying to treat her like a child by any means and its clear that she doesn’t want to be seen that way. It’s just that the need to be accommodating to others comes ridiculously naturally to so many people with eating disorders. Sometimes if I don’t keep my own urge to make everyone around me as comfortable as possible in check it can become overbearing.

I have to say though that, for me, fitting in around here is not hard. many of us share a lot of personality traits and, although I’m not sure if its coincidence or something to do with eating disorders affecting certain kinds of people, it has made adjustment that much easier.

Making eyes

Marley stares. She sits across from me at the lunch table with her peanut butter on wheat and just stares at me. There is no particular expression on her face and I can’t tell if she’s watching what I’m doing or just spacing out but I discomfort building within.

For us, the active consciousness of our eyes at the meal tables is out of respect. We look at each other when in conversation but, when all is quiet and we are doing our best to clean our plates in the alloted half hour, we make the effort to divert our gazes elsewhere. This is not something that would be an issue in our natural daily lives because we know that then the people around us aren’t scrutinizing our trays. Here though we know, for the most part, what is going through a person’s mind when their eyes are affixed on another’s food and eating habits. There is the inevitability of comparison, the registering of amounts, and the internal analization of any quirks or rituals that go along with our food consumption. We have all been on both sides of those situations here and knowing what a person is thinking when they watch you eat can be quite unnerving…and yet Marley continues to stare.

I have never eaten with her before and it just so happened that our trays were laid out this way this time so, although uncomfortable, I don’t say anything to her about it. Later though, while enjoying some afternoon fresh air, I bring up the subject with Laura and Benji as we sit in the sun. They reassure me that I am not the only one with this complaint.

“Just call her out on it.” Benji says with a wave of his hand. “She does it to everyone.”

“Yea, actually Tiffany called her on it this morning at breakfast and all she had to say was ‘Marley, you are making me really uncomfortable.'” added Laura.

“Yea, I saw that.” said Benji, “Good for Tiffany. When Marley was doing it to me the other day I didn’t have the guts to say anything, but I will next time.”

“What did Marley do when Tiffany said that?” I probe Laura as I shuffle my foot in a patch of grass.

“She looked embarrassed. She just muttered a ‘sorry’ and sort of hung her head.”

“Hmm…Well, if it happens again I’ll figure out what to do. its good to know though that It wasn’t just me.”

And that was that. For the time being the conflict was resolved and, mostly, forgotten about. I’m sure it won’t be the last eating habit around here that someone unnerves or annoys me with. The food rituals and subconscious quirks of eating disordered people are innumerable and greatly varied. It’s in our nature.