I am sitting in the dimly lit dining room where the tables have been pushed against the wall and yoga mats laid around the floor. Stress and coping group is rolling right along as the Friday afternoon sun leaks in through the slatted blinds. We do different things each week in this group but it’s mostly meditation and guided imagery oriented. If we aren’t into that sort of thing we have the option to read, journal, or do something else deemed suitably soothing quietly while the meditation tape plays in the background.

Elle is asleep with her Star Trek novel open in her lap on the couch next to me and I look up from my writing as her breathing becomes audible. On the other side of her, in a chair, Benji struggles to keep the comic book he’s reading from falling to the floor as his own eyes threaten to give in to the atmosphere of this makeshift sanctuary. The others lay on the mats more or less following the direction of the recorded voice that urges calming exercises between interludes of piano music and nature sounds. If proposed, I’d definitely place a wager that more than one of them is asleep as well.

Its one of the more stressful days due to some clashes between patients and staff earlier and the weekend weights taken this morning. The rule is that, once each of us enters the official weight gain phase of treatment, we have to gain a minimum of 3/4 of a pound each time the numbers are taken. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are the stressful days as, at 6:30 am on the dot, we line up outside the exam room for the scale’s verdict. These days it’s a difficult balance that shakes everyone’s ease. It’s hard for most to watch the scale go up no matter what the amount is but, at the same time, we want that 3/4 difference because if we don’t make it we will be RTU until the next weights check.

RTU stands for “Restricted To Unit” and basically means that we are confined here no matter what our status level is. For me that would mean no fresh air breaks, which I value pretty darn highly due to it being the only outdoors life I have right now. For Elle, who is on level 3, to be RTU would mean the loss not only of fresh air breaks but also of any other outside privilege. At level 3 we have the eligibility to go on staff-accompanied outings to places outside the building. sometimes its to the store down the street for supplies. Sometimes its a trip out to eat with one of the staff members for practice. Then, occasionally, its doing something that involves delving deeper into the city like going clothes shopping or getting a haircut.

To have that freedom and then lose it, for any amount of time, can be a depression-inducing blow. RTU is meant to limit the amount of physical activity a person does so they can gain the intended amount of weight by the next official day. However, these days can be mood lowering on the other hand too because a lot of girls here are still terrified of the scale moving at all. They may be eating more but they are still giving their eating disorder sanctuary in their back pockets and letting it have its way from there.

Regardless of the confusion and sense of upheaval most of us feel regarding the weights vs. RTU issue, I believe they have a really good system here. They know what they are doing, as far as the program structure goes, and what a lot of it comes down to is acceptance. There is no other choice beyond that of accepting your body, accepting the weight gain, and accepting that you will have to live with your new self for at least 4 weeks once you are in the weight maintainance phase and doing a bulk of the research participation. I don’t know the exact numbers but, from what I’ve heard, Columbia has a higher long-term success rate than many other in-patient programs, and that’s some news I can definitely accept.