Predictions do not equal facts (part 2)

I asked Benji how he viewed what it would realistically be like when he got home after leaving here. It was a sort of loaded question that provoked a lengthy pause as precursor to its stumbling answer. I knew it would be though, and I had been hesitant to ask in the first place, but did anyway. Call it a test for response. That question is tricky to answer on a couple different levels, one being whether or not to lie.

Everybody is scared of returning to the daily life that helped contribute to this situation in the first place. Many people who leave here are not so sure that going home is the best idea. We try to act positive but, in the face of that question, do we lie and say everything will be fine? And, if we do say it will be fine, are we doing it so others can hear it and keep up their own hope for the future or so we can keep doubt out of our own minds? Then again, if we tell the truth it might sound something like Benji’s answer. His may seem disheartening, but its honest and, although I hope hes not lessening his chances by admitting it, I can respect his honesty.

After some silent moments of consideration Benji looks at me and speaks. He says that here, on the unit, its safe. We know things will be okay here because they have a plan and ensure that we are on the right track. At home we are left to our own devices. No one accounts for our decisions and our recovery is in our own two hands. We have the knowledge, the skills, and the boost up to get us going when we leave but only time will tell if we have the strength to keep fighting this battle that is far from over.

Benji admits his fear of going back to that which he knows so well. He is afraid that, amidst everything else, the eating disorder will fit right in again. Its such a very common fear among us and yet is not often spoken aloud. Maybe its denial. Maybe its that no one wants to potentially jinx their chances. Whatever the reason though, if its seen in the right light, that fear is power and the recognition of it gives us that much more of a fighting chance against it. No one ever defeated an enemy by pretending their opponent didn’t exist.

Benji says that he truly cannot imagine going home and dealing with his old life without his eating disorder again. He has been anorexic since the age of 15 and it has stolen some of the most important years of his life from him, including the transition from teenager into adulthood. He has no idea what his life would be like without so much of his time revolving around the eating disorder and its complications. I try and reassure him that there is more out there in the world but that doesn’t make the letting go of a constant companion any easier.

However, the next thing out of his mouth turns some tables. He says that he also can’t imagine going home and winding up so deeply in the depths of the disorder again. That right there is a hell of a thing to say. Both statements reflect reality and reek of honesty as they clarify a hope that is refusing to leave. I suggest to Benji that maybe he just can’t imagine life without it because the truth is that we will never really be recovered…we will always be in recovery. For myself, at least, I know that I can retain my positivity of being able to stay on the right track but I can’t let the notion that I am done fighting blur my vision. If I stop remembering the hold the eating disorder had on me, at any point in the future, that will give it the best opportunity to sneak right back in. Weather its 2 months from now or 10 years I can’t ever forget about the havoc it once wreaked on my body and mind. I can only hope that thats what not being able to imagine life without it means and I wish the best for each person soon to be on their way home.

Predictions do not equal facts

So many of the other patients discharge dates are coming up seemingly all at once. I guess, when they got here, they came in a wave that spanned only a couple of weeks and now they are all leaving on the crest of the opposite tide. Our numbers are starting to dwindle and with all those close to departure going out on passes around the city so frequently it becomes apparent during mealtimes when there are only 3 or 4 or us at the table. With everyone gone the silence that didn’t seem possible before echoes through the dimly lit halls.

Generally the space created by one of us returning home is filled almost instantly. Occasionally its even a day or two before, as they did with me when my bed was in the quiet room for my first 2 nights. But we haven’t had anyone new since the arrival of Diane almost 3 weeks ago. Diane herself has since adjusted to life within and seems to be fitting with the rest of us quite nicely in her own little way. She retains some of her cautious aloofness, remaining on the outskirts of most groups and spending just about all of her spare time reading, but she is now quick with a smile and much easier to converse with.

I do hope they are able to bring some new people in soon. I’m not sure I really like the absence of life in this place where health is the main concern. It just doesn’t sit well with me and seems to carry with it an odd sense of unease. There have been a few rumors floating around to do with the possibility of a new arrival sometime next week but no one knows for sure. Right now we have 2 beds open and a week from today we will have at least 2 more. Even though there is always some stress, for both us and them, when someone new comes in and it takes a little while for them to adjust, it still makes things that much more eventful when it does.

While walking outside this morning during one of our fresh air breaks there was a conversation of predictions. In a perfect world (aside from none of us being here in the first place) each one of us who leaves these walls would have complete recovery success. Heck, we would all have not only complete recovery success the perfect mending of our outside relationships. Our previous jobs would not only allow us back but would have also missed us when we were gone. We’d get to do all the things we ever wanted to do in time and be happy as clams while everything came up rosy around us…

The truth is though, while some of that might become reality for a few of us, not everyone here will find recovery playing the significant role it was cast for in their lives. We HOPE everyone will get better but there are just some people who seem to have a much better chance than others. So much of eating disorder recovery depends on your state of mind and personal attitude towards it.

…to be continued…

REM

Oh the tricks our minds can play on us in dreamland…They do seem so real sometimes. Last night my subconscious played a haunting game over my field of sleepy vision as I snoozed beneath the white linen sheets. In the dream I was here, at Columbia, in New York as I am now. It started with me arriving and working out last-minute details of my stay as I got settled in. It played by the reality that I now feel in my waking hours and tried to pass itself off as a generally good dream. Quickly though it turned on me as my fears about this situation became apparent.

In the dream, after only a few weeks stay, I had to leave Columbia and go back home. I was terrified. There was no reason why I had to cut treatment short, I was just told that I had to go. Thats when it turned into a nightmare. Knowing I hadn’t been there long enough and terrified of just falling back into my old habits I headed home.

I’m not going to go into detail, because its evident what happened as a result of me leaving treatment early in the dream, but what does it mean? I can only assume that it’s a good thing that even my subconscious is scared to leave treatment. I hope that means my chances of continuing in recovery are that much better when I return home. It’s a tricky road to maneuver with lots of potholes. Here I am in an all new environment – new people, new schedule, new meal plan, everything. It causes how I eat and view food to stubbornly fall in with the agenda. It makes it easier to accept.

I’m not saying that once I am back in the environment that I know and love, the place I enjoy calling “home”, all my old habits will assuredly come back. I just know that there is, in fact, a very real possibility and recognizing that I am scared of it will allow me to figure out a defense. If I am better armed against the potential enemy rather than allowing my new-found joy of life leave me open for a sneak attack then that’s all the better. I will be prepared.

Ways and means

As we stroll slowly out on the lawn during one of our fresh air breaks Laura and I fall into a discussion on power and control in relation to eating disorders. nearby Elle and Benji play a fumbling game of catch with one of the many nerf balls that were brought in for stress coping. It is just after dinner and the sun beats across us at an angle as it slowly sinks in the summer sky.

Laura is my age and holds the wisdom of experience. This being her 6th treatment center she has seen these days, this routine, before. Yet, with so much inpatient time under her belt, her insight and optimism still flow freely. Not in an overabundant or fake way, from what I can tell she wears no mask, but with the genuine hopefulness that this time, maybe, she will go home and things will be different. maybe this time she will go home having gained more than temporary weight – herself. I ask her what she thinks is different about this time and place as opposed to the others and her answer brings up the ongoing insurance company dilemma.

So much of eating disorder recovery goes far beyond putting on a few extra pounds. There are psychological and emotional issues that need to be worked through. There is a sense and reason a person needs to have in order to abuse their own bodies in such a way and, as doctors have found through ongoing research programs, the deeper issues can’t really be successfully addressed until the end of the weight restoration process. There is a certain amount of brain function that is altered with malnutrition so attempting to work through any anxiety, depression, or control issues that landed us here is pretty futile.

However, most insurance companies don’t see that aspect of recovery. Most insurance companies either don’t cover treatment at all for eating disorders or they wind up pulling coverage and deeming a person healthy just as soon as they are within 5 or so pounds of the lowest healthy weight for their body size. Therefore the roots of the problem never see daylight and the odds of relapse are exponentially higher.

Laura explains, as we amble around the lawn, that this has been her story with every other treatment center she has seen. There was never any follow-up. The reason things will be different this time is that weight gain is only the first half of the regemine. This particular program is free to us in exchange for our cooperation. We get the help we need and, in return, we help them with ongoing research to aid the improvement of eating disorder recovery plans. To be the most beneficial to the research we have to be within 10% of our ideal calculated body weights before we dive in. This time will be different for Laura because here she wont be kicked out by her insurance company before getting to the real meat of the situation.